I'm going to meet my Island Boy in "Hotlanta" soon. Because of the distance and our respective responsibilities, we share an understanding that it is not fair to ask for exclusivity from one another. While my brain understands this concept, my heart is at odds and my conscience clouded. I don't know how to be a grown up in the uncommitted relationships I've been experiencing.
I crave the touch and the attentions of men. This is human, right?
Because I try to embrace ambiguity and reject any one moral code for such things, I find myself very confused. A bit worried about the implications for my current state of affairs. So much for embracing ambiguity.
Is it natural, is it "OK" to have more than one uncommitted lover? Is it a betrayal of their affection? Is it a betrayal of my emotional well being? Is the fact that I'm confused because I never dated as a young adult? Is it a product of my low self esteem?
Is it selfish of me to spend a couple of months away from my children to be with a man with whom I have an ambiguous relationship?
Over the last four years my romantic life has been complicated by my Ex-husband's sabotage and the effect that his manipulative behavior has on myself and my boys. For years since the divorce I've harbored guilt and fear while dating and exploring men. I felt a need to hide dates, make up excuses for travel and lie to avoid being punished, traumatizing my sons, or bringing on humiliating drama. I realize I am the victim of my own willingness to be victimized.
In spite of all the head games my desires trump my fears.
Three lovers. Three men with whom I respect and desire for very different reasons. Two men with whom I do not entertain any projection into the future. One with whom I'm hopeful for something... but what?
I met a man not to long ago for whom I would have ended any time spent with the others. The timing was all wrong. He is a grieving Widower; his wounds so fresh, my instincts shut him out before the thrill of possibility could dim, before I proved a disappointment, maybe before I would lose myself to his wants and needs.
I will be meeting my island boy and his family, my boys will meet him this summer.
So, what am I doing? Is this normal dating ritual of adult humans?
