relief

Learning to sit with impatience, anger, anxiety, and heartache is a marathon. Mind over matter.

I can do it, but I have not committed myself to the deed.

I am in training, making this commitment, and in the training a great weight is lifted and instead of simple recognition, I'm gaining control of where I've been looping and losing.

I may not run 23 miles, because I'm not really invested in the need to do that. I run enough.

I am dedicated to letting go and breathing in all the pain and sorrow and breathing out love, compassion and joy, even when I don't really feel it.

My life is not full of any odd human frailty. Situation is nothing, emotion is my choice. I am capable of letting go and damn-it, I am dedicated to letting go of the habit of self-loathing.

I am dedicated to living to find joy, letting go the armor, letting the feelings sink in and breathing, leaning and letting it be what it is...

I am human.

beautiful
raw
pure

Me.

Wanted: Concrete methods to gain self esteem.

If my mother tells me, "hon, you know it's a Journey...we are all on this Journey..." one more time I'll have to believe her.

Like Joseph Campbell said, "...it is an Ordeal."

Accepting that and leaning into it. I'm accepting this and leaning into it, I'm accepting and leaning, accepting leaning, accepting leaning....

You should see me teach classes. Transcendentalism right now. I lead discussion about finding our center, we listen to music, we write letters to loved ones, we are poets and so hopeful and I'm so encouraging and the students think I'm a crazy hippie, and they like me and encourage me to encourage them.

And I hear this voice in my head that says, "you fucking fraud."

No, that's not what I really think.

I'm really thinking, Damn I wonder if I will be able to take a nap before going to the bookstore tonight. I need a nap.

I don't save the worlds forests,
Paint a portrait
write a novel
sing a song

I get naked and I get under the covers and I sleep.

Oh, not all the time. I run, I go to the YMCA and push weights around, I do laundry,
fold laundry, Do dishes, dust sweep. Read a bit...

But I'd really like to get naked, get under the covers, and go to sleep.

It ain't so hard.

I make things hard.

So, what have I been doing with myself these days?

Well, I've been keeping track of those of you who keep track of me.

I've been falling in love
Fretting over falling in love
Falling out of love
falling apart each time a lover falls out

I am so lucky to have felt such love.

I am in love with being in love. Who isn't?

So what if I've had few nervous breakdowns, lots of hot flashes, and chasing of my own tail. So what if I cry sometimes.

I admit that I've lashed out, thrown a few fits, embarrassed myself in the efforts and protecting myself or maybe In the lashing I missed out on great opportunities.

I am hanging on.

A bench warrant has been issued for the father of my children. He owes $30,000.00 in back support payments that he refuses to pay. When the courts found out through an audit of the payment system he was called into court and he failed to show up. I'm not pursuing this, actually I've offered to change the terms of the settlement, but he simply responds with "I'm not going to give you one more dime." So I'm letting him handle his own mistakes.

The boys are struggling in school. I worry that I should have fought for full custody, but they love their father and reject any hint of such a thing with such force it's clear that no good would come of it.

So life moves on and I travel the world of the humans, feeling all the things we humans feel, and the world is a beautiful messy mass of stuff. The Tide Rises, The Tide Falls."

Big Love!

It's a hard life.