therapy

It has been explained to me more than once that we are all born with a full dose of self respect. Over time some of that dosage is drained by events and then we pick up more as we move through life; give up a little here, gain it back over there

Sometimes the giving up over rides the gaining back, and vise versa.

I am attracted to people who are able to stock pile self respect.

I am quick to give it up to people who are already full of the stuff. I don't do this selflessly. The hope is that I will receive the overflow, or at least what sloshes over and needs soaking up.

Problem: I"m no sham wow. My self-esteem absorbency rate is far below that of most strips of fabric in the rag drawer. The therapist suggests I've come into contact with substantial amounts of scotch guard over time and thus, my abilities to refresh my daily requirements has become more and more difficult.

As a result, I am attracted to those who are in a perpetual state of esteem overflow. This might be a good survival tactic if I were absorbent, however, there in lies the rub. I've steeped myself in esteem retardant, therefore making the attempts more and more frustrating with passing time.

The suggested fix to this conundrum requires looking back finding the original source of the retardant then working my way through the space and time of my life and then.... and then....

Do,...

What?

I read that the key is in the doing. So I do.

I do lots of things that I think will replenish my supply, only to find I"m doing the same damn thing again and again.

Looking for self love in what love I can have reflected back from others.

I keep emptying my reserves, pouring it into vessels that are already overflowing and I can't absorb the overflow.

Sometimes I cork what is left and hide it in a closet. But it's dark in there. So I venture out, start pouring into those beautiful overflowing glasses and start the process again and again.

Six Pack Heart

I'm trying to open up, take chances, forget and forgive, purge myself of victimitus.

Not too sure it's a good thing. I'm not good at standing ground--it's easy to send rover right over and break through my boundaries.

I've opened up to the Divine Ms. M. after a year of recovery from her year of trying and damn near succeeding in destroying everyone around her to avoid her own issues.

She's worked tirelessly for the past year to get one of the new teachers, who has proved to be more than a little bitter and unqualified to teach, fired. While this woman is not a good teacher, I was rooting for her rehabilitation as apposed to her dismissal. She is unmarried and has two children. Ms. M was finally granted her wish and the teacher was fired.

I'm sorry for the teacher and her family. Sorry she wasn't able to make the changes necessary to succeed.

Ms. M . sent out an e-mail to half of the staff inviting them to a "ding dong the witch is dead" party to celebrate .

I will not be attending, nor will I respond to any e-mails making reference to the unfortunate situation.

On Dating. I open up too easily, I allow for too much bad behavior and I am too accepting of unhealthy lifestyles.

There but for the grace of God, is not to be interpreted in quite this way.

There is something about me that attracts men interested in sex and only sex.

I don't see myself as sexy, I have decent legs and a flat stomach.

I am not a pretty girl, I clean up ok, but I'm not pretty.

When My husband left me, one of the last things he said to me was that I was sexy and that I would be able to use that.

I didn't know what he meant. But I use it,

I think men are attracted to my vulnerability, my honesty and openness, the idea that they can be Sir Lancelot and sweep me easily off my feet. But, alas, once the conquest, I'm just a girl and damn if that fire breathing dragon chasing her isn't a mean looking mother fucker... Run Away!

I need an exercise to harden my heart as hard as I've been able to do for my abs.

I have such a rich imagination I get lost, like Alice down the rabbit hole.

it's a scary place.

When the weather breaks and the sun shines possibility blooms so beautiful and large.
then the cold front moves in, and the blooms freeze, the windows are closed, darkness hovers like a fog.

Patience is hard to keep pinned down.
fantasy sounds real

until the cold front moves in.

Just kidding, sorta, yeah, I am, well, maybe...not, still...

Dating is odd.

Scraping wallpaper is limited in satisfaction quotient.

I'm surprised by several men who have offered to help.

They expect sex in return, don't they?

Yeah, they do.

I miss sex.

hmm.

When someone says, "that's cool" to a statement about a willingness to "hang out" it's the equivialant of "yeah, right..."

isn't it?

man. being a loser sucks even more after high school.

No more fighting it, I"m boy crazy. Emphasis on the crazy. I've tried to deny it, I've employed the say till you believe it thing, like fake smiling to bring on real smiles, but fact is I like men. I like the attention of men, the company of men, the bodies men, the smell of men..., all the bits and pieces of men.

Sigh.

I've fallen head over heels into a few men. I don't fall in love, but into the warm embrace that comes from getting lost in physical intimacy.

The vunerability that comes when two people swim around each other is hypnotic. In these moments I feel beautiful, powerful and safe. I don't have the opportunity to feel like this often. This very comfort has kept me locked into wanting for a few men who cannot return the comfort outside of the bed.

I fought a few of them tooth and nail, butting my head against common sense.

This and That

Fun:

Lu: Hey guys, want to go to that estate sale?

A: I'm alright

E: Naw, I'm not really into dead people sales.

Lu: It's not necessarily because someone died.

E: OK, I"m not so into forclosure sales.

Lu: i guess sometimes it's because they are going to live in a retirement home.

E: Ah! That's even worse. It's like pergatory with pudding.

Bud duh bum.

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Student Love:

Hannah gave me a cd full of crazy cool music. Everything but the kitchen sink.

Dinh Dinh gave me an oragamie rose.

They talk about my lessons out the door and as they walk in the door. They be learning!

Spring Break!