In this Very Moment ~ Or ~ How the going back on anti-depressants is working

When I'm not working, running the boy who proves I can't be all bad here and there, when I'm not locked in the grips of a major attack of po angry piteous me, I'm watching TV.
Damn if I don't binge on my faves. Mad Men is driving me mad in the waiting for the next episode. I download this one online.
Then there's Net flix watch instantly The IT crowd which I prove my self a glutton and I'm left wanting more,
so my the not rejecting me seed, A has introduced me to The Mighty Boosh.

There are TV shows, 30 rock, the office and sometimes those csi shows that are so bad I watch for the opportunity to make snarky commentary to the walls.

It's mind numbing,

maybe we can call this meditation.

maybe not.

The real world hurts too much.
ze My eldest twin son is lost in his pain and I can't find a way to reach him. Every therapist is too geeky, every attempt to rationalize is lost. worry that there is a genetic issue at work that I will not be able to mend.
My youngest twin is sweet, lazy and flunking classes again.

I'm here doing my best to encourage,
to discipline,
to be what a good parent should be....

The beau has had enough. I don't blame him. He was all too much the same; controlling, angry, and uneducated. But, I don't say that without affection, he was great company and sex took me outta my head.

Sex gets me outta my head.

I will miss it.

I watched the stupid show Cougar and to my disgust I could totally relate to the protagonist except in the fact that her life was less fucked up than mine. Also, I'm not hot mammy like Courtney Cox.

My daddy, cried today. He wants to see me and the boys more often, he can't remember the boys.

so I stand by my last post and let me throw my fit. Life is not good here.

not for me.

depression happens because depressing things happen.

That said. I am taking a my meds again.

any relief is better than none.

In this Very Moment ~ Or ~ How the Coming Off of Anti-depressants is Going

Earlier this week I worked a bookstore event that was in support of a charity that sends books to children in Ethiopia. The Author was so self-righteous and full of glowing reports of her success and how everything she touches is golden... she all but passed a petition begging for her canonization. The audience full of women with glowing eyes and children lost in the stacks making messes and more noise than necessary. Everyone in the room was sending out earsplitting vibes of "look at me, look at what a good person I am." The room was ice cold and nothing, but platitudes bounced off the walls.

If I were a believer, I'm certain I would go straight to hell for this reaction.

But I am not a believer.

I do not believe that people are good at heart;
so many have none.

I do not believe that life is good; keep the fucking stick figure away from me.

I do not believe that good things come from those who...insert what ever fucking banality one might wish to fill in the blank.

I believe that those who take for themselves, regardless the good of man, find happiness.

I believe some accidentally help man in the effort to touch themselves.

I believe that self-sacrifice is promise of sorrow.

I believe that one should never believe anything anyone says.

ever.

I believe nothing comes from kindness except by chance.

I believe in the laws of chaos,

Things happen,

and much of the time the things that happen suck hard.

I believe ignorance is the only path to bliss.

I believe I've encountered more wolves in sheep's clothing than a girl needs know to reach this point.

I believe it i my optimism, my hope for what might or should be instead of what is real, has been of no use.

I believe that when I finally really believe all that I think I believe and start living with myself in mind that I will be OK.

I believe this will never happen.

I believe I've learned to hate,

I believe hating is poison

I believe advice is never worth a shit less you walk directly in some one's shoes. Which can never happen, so...

I believe I don't know.

anything.

I believe I don't want to know

anything.

~PS~

after a good long sweaty run...I still feel pissy.

-No more anti-depressants.

-get to work on the house.

-get back to the gym and the weights.

-all some miles to weekend runs.

-get certified to teach elsewhere.

-Get the house in order to sell.

-stop listing and start doing

Beautiful Futility

A boy from Jordan called across the room to a girl from Jordan, "did you get my goat? I slaughtered that goat."

The kids around him gasped as he explained how he slit it's throat and ran around the yard, then how it's muscles continued to twist as he tied it to a tree and skinned it.

"It's a ritual." he explained. "you can't kill it first for religious reasons..."

His father showed up for parent exchange the next day and challenged my assignment.

I called the assignment "Careful! You'll poke your eye out!"

The objective of the lesson was to use the exclamatory rhythms found in warnings; such as the labels on medicines or aerosol cans: Contents Under Pressure. We discussed how the sharp staccato and direct command adds a sense of danger and urgency to a simple statement. We listed such warnings and the assignment was to turn them into a poem.

His father said it was pointless, "why bother? It's Like teaching Hamlet; a waste of time ... a pointless exercise."

I said I suppose anything not required for moving air into the lungs could be considered pointless and without meaning.

He said," like what? I don't understand."

I said, "it's like killing goats."

He stopped talking.

"...and the pursuit of Happiness."

What is the purpose of studying the Liberal Arts
What are the Humanities and why care?

Charlie Brown's "Happiness is..."
John Lennon's "Happiness is a Warm Gun"
Aristotle On Happiness
Daniel Gilbert: from Stumbling on Happiness

Assignments: Small Group and classroom Analysis
Comparison Contrast Diagraming
Essay personal definition of Happiness:
Figurative response- Artistic representation of Happiness.

Aren't all of ours stories about the pursuit of Happiness? Isn't that what drives humanity forward, or backward or stuck in a rut?

This how we are beginning the year.

I have enough to be ashamed for all the wanting.

It's not for things I long, but for some intangible ability to live free without reigns.

I fall in love with people who live unbridled.

but me, I am the bridle.

Therapy tells me that I am wrong to shoulder the unwelcome drama in my life.

I'm told to cut myself some slack, that sometimes there is a victim and I am one.

but it's of no comfort.

"If you could do anything right now what would that be?"
This is what the therapist one, two, three, and four ask me.

"I would run away"

"Where would you go?"

"I don't know."

"would you go alone?"

"I would go to...."

"who would you go to?"

"someone else."

"what is someone else like?"

"I will know when I meet him."

"It's not enough to be alone?"

"That is death."

"to be alone?"

"have you ever been alone?"

"No."

"I am."

alive