Barely a week into school and I'm already home with a very sick kid.

Back to work.

Sometimes it takes a swift kick in the ass to set you right.
I need my ass kicked about three times a day. It's so easy to wallow.
So, sorry for the shallow sob story--I'll do it again I'm certain, but right now
I'm busy getting my action in action.

Empty House

I hoped to be gone before he arrived, but he blocked my drive with his van, charging out ranting, raving, lunging and pointing; crazed. I locked myself in the car and edged to drive out over my yard. The neighbor was sitting on his porch, the neighbor whom I've asked to be aware and call the police in a case like this, instead he put is head down and scurried into his house no doubt fretting over his bad luck for having such white trash for neighbors. At least this activity caught the ex's crazed eye long enough to make him self conscious enough to, back off and let me out of the drive.

He was in destruct mode and I've been storing "no longer my boyfriend's," furniture in my basement where the ex wanted to go to take the shit he left three years ago, the same shit I've asked him to come remove for as long. I worried he would try to damage something. I should have driven away and called the police, but the the last time the police were called he was carted off to jail and the children suffered the brunt. The police were not helpful, they told me he had a right on my property if he had possessions in my house, if any of his mail comes to my house. This is not true. This is not the law, but this is evidence of how alone one is in a domestic debacle. I watch this happen to me, each time as if I'm watching a tacky episode of COPs; where the bad boys shame humanity with their answer to "whatcha gonna do when they come for you."

So, stood back and watch him storm through the garage, yelling, pointing spitting accusations "you think you have a life, but you don't...sleeping with every guy who comes around...you've ruined me...bitch, since I fucked up you won't let me make amends...we had a life..." I hear static, the picture is grainy I sent a text my brother in law, asked him to be aware, thought better of involving him told him to stay put. He did.

I'm grateful that the neighbor did not call the police because my defiant son will blame me for his daddy's incarceration. The defiant one calls at the end of the school day, some how he's aware of a problem, I hear his father in his voice. He wants a ride home from school. His father starts shouting like a drunken fraternity brother, "Hey, E, I'm over at the house I've got another one for you..." Now the picture is clear, the two voices are interchangeable; father and son, bonded over their desire to make me pay for my ability to survive.

And I pay, I pay dearly each and every time. I've been blaming myself, felt I"ve brought it on myself because I didn't protect my own privacy when Emmett pilfered through my drawers and read my text messages, because I mentioned that I couldn't afford "that" right now but maybe their father could, because I've forced daddy to take on some of defiant one's doctor bills and to handle enrollment, because I apologize for letting their family fall apart.

While this is happening No longer my boyfriend began texting, he wants to kill the man. I don't tell him much, just that the man is there taking his tools, wanting what is no longer his. When he comes to see me after his late shift, he tries to sit, tries to be supportive, but in the end, he tells me he can't be a part of this, that I have to take control, white noise, and static.... he's outta here.

He is outta here and I don't blame him. He's outta here and I still text him, tell him I'm sorry, tell him I miss him, I feel shame for my failure to just let it go. It's one more wave of abandonment.
It's hard to take so much abandonment.
I'm so silly about relationships, I don't seem able to let connections go. I can't wrap my head around knowing someone and then pretending I don't. It doesn't seem it should have to be that way, so the only conclusion is that I am not deemed worthy enough to accommodate a shift from lover to friend.

I have spent the past three post divorce years trying to figure out how to deal with this. If I hire a lawyer what do I ask for? A Restraining order is a piece of paper not fit to line the drawers; If it's not physical violence, it's not enforced. Even If it were, having the children's father in prison is not something they would forgive. I would be to blame. He told them he may have to go to jail because I filed a restraining order. The defiant one is not able to understand that he would only go to jail if he continues to terrorize me.

My infraction is that I have survived. I pay the bills, I met men and enjoyed the comfort of their company. I held fast to expectations for the boys to suceed and I have house rules.

The woman who was once my soul sister admitted to me yesterday that she let go of our friendship out of fear of being present when something bad will surely happen. She doesn't want to be pulled in if there is a court case... My inability to control my ex-husband's and my son's behaviors has left me alone again and bearing the burdens his insanity and the burdens of my inability to take control

I need concrete steps,
no abstractions,
no emotions,

I need some specific action plan and the energy to get it done.

I need verbs.

trailer trash

How do I choose to experience this:

The boys father called me at school. I was in the middle of the first day of classes, but as E was just starting his ADHD meds I over worried that it might be related to a bad reaction...

What the ex tells me is that he wants to come to the house and take all the tools and bicycle things he left behind. I've been asking him to do this for years, three to be more specific, but for some reason today was the day. Something set him off. Maybe he drove by and saw the beau carrying the dog out for me while I was at work...

In recent months I've claimed one of the several bicycle frames left behind in the basement and I've had it over hauled and gifted it to the beau. Some how Max found out and Insanity ensued. threats to turn me into SRS for the slap that caused E's lip to bleed... I've laid my self bare here, believe it or not I've not sugar coated any of my doings. I fuck up, but I do not abuse my children. My biggest fault is the way I wear my insecurities and doubt like a badge of martyred honor.

I refused to turn this bicycle over to him. The law is in my favor.

Oh and the threats continued. My son, E was beginning to come around but a few hours ago he called and informed me he hates me and will never live with me again.

I have no way to reach my other son, A, whom I'm certain is sick with worry and confusion.

My boyfriend is sick and angry and feels helpless. He would really like kick some insane ex ass, but he knows that would only compound my troubles.

I'm thinking this numb I'm feeling might just be the best I can hope for at the moment.

Hard truth

If one writes about sex, the need the desire for more, you become interesting.

If you write about failed motherhood,

you stand alone.

I whine, stomp my feet, gnash my teeth, cry me a river and then sleep, and sleep and sleep some more. Then something happens to add shame for all of the above to my list o' woe is Me's which adds, shame for the .

My first day back to work I found out that the the school secretary's thirty two year old daughter died of complications from Lupus. She was a former student and her daughter went to day care with the boys. On the same day my department chair and friend was out riding with a friend who was living in her basement while working through a divorce. My department chair was thrown and broke her wrist. Her friend stayed behind to make sure the horses were put out to pasture while my department chair went to find her phone that was lost in the fall and when she returned she found her friend laying on the concrete unresponsive; brain dead. They don't know exactly what happened, but it looks as though the horse may have bolted and she fell off the back.

I'm using David Foster Wallace's commencement speech as one of the first lessons this year. He talks of the difficulty surviving the day to day grind and the importance of being aware. He knew what he was talking about, I wonder if he had his suicide planned while he was giving his speech. It was as though he'd reached the great conclusion, yet understood that he was not going to be able to find that peace. I can understand that, the desire, the desperate wanting to see the world differently, to be able to act differently, to do without doubt, fear, and dread. I understand the frustrations in the inability to find a way to make changes in self.

Unfortunately when the awful happens and what could be worse is illuminated I hear myself say the word that I will keep my trivia in perspective.

Words,
words
words.

don't make action happen.

Where is the action?

Why does so much sadness and uncertainty anchor me in such a small bay of blue.

Last night my dog Elliott tore his ACLU while going down the stairs. He's in a great deal of pain and I have to restrict his movement. Getting him out to go to the bathroom is a nightmare. He howls in pain and bites if I try to help him. Once he gets up he nearly sprints to get away and then he collapses in the grass, usually across the street in the park. Getting him up and back in the house is heartbreaking. He weighs 78lbs, and I can't lift him. I'm trying to figure out how to minimize his movement as this seems to be the most crucial aspect of recovery
My defiant angry son is beginning to soften. I continue to feel lucky that his behaviors are primarily directed toward me and he is not becoming a delinquent. I've disappointed him and he is beginning that journey to adulthood in which children learn that their parents are flesh and blood. I'm frightened by his narcissistic tendencies, but hopeful that some of the worst of it is due to his teenagerness.

I am still waiting for the state agencies to help me collect child support. I've offered to let the last two months slide and to forgo spousal support due, but he refuses to pay anything.

While I've distanced myself from friends who make me feel badly, some friends who made me feel strong have distanced themselves from me. It's my inability to grab hold and make things happen that repels. too much me.

I miss them.

My relationship with the beau is difficult to explain. We are still oil and water. But we look for each other for comfort and peace.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to get out of this ramble. I'm stalling , or trying to clear some cobwebs so I can get back to the work I've got to do.

Summer's over too soon, classes start on Monday.