I've come to believe that selflessness leads to nothing of worth.
Selflessness is unnatural and that it is really a hope for recognitions and admiration; Admiration that means nothing.

It's not that good deeds are not indeed good.
one should do good deeds when possible.

But, giving up selfish pursuits is stupid.

It leads to depression.
Depression leads to alone.
Alone leads to apathy
Apathy leads to shutting down.
Shutting down leads to insignificance
Insignificance leads to self pity
self pity leads to disgust
disgust leads to hiding
hiding leads to invisibility
invisibility leads to disappearance
disappearance is as good as dead.

where it all ends.

"I have nothing to offer anyone except my own confusion."
Jack Kerouac

If you stack pennies on the needle it will stop skipping

Since ruminating = ruining everything I'm going to pretend I don't do it until I actually stop.

Or, that's the plan for now. If I slip up and start again kick my sorry ass.

Somethings I love in no particular order for no particular reason other than it's not whining about living a normal life...

I love the way my boys thank me after I cook a meal.
When the cat rubs against my legs.
When the phone rings and it's him.
A clean house.
Doing it myself.
The smallest of kindnesses
The birds singing in the morning.
Airports.
Picnics
Skinny days
The way I feel after a good run.
Wine and conversation
Listening to the boys laugh.
Complements
Making love
Deep kisses
Full lips
Watching good independent movies.
Making music-writing sappy songs
Running my hair through my fingers when I'm tired or stressed.
Sugar free banana Popsicles
Hummus
Smoked salmon
Wasabi peas
Tomato bisque soup with chuncks of tomatos
My sisters voices.
My mother's care packages- they make me laugh
My father's voice
Watching the birds in the park
When the dog gets away and runs up to strange dogs and the owner doesn't get angry.
Wild sunflowers
Kindness observed
Bubble gum
Crunchy things with few calories.
Wild sunflowers
Hope.

Non-negotiable things I must do this week-

See the mortgage broker.
See the mortgage broker.
See the mortgage broker.
See the mortgage broker.

Sis~yphus

She pushed the food around on her plate

strangled a smile,

"I don't know how to have fun."
my tight knotted mouth mirrors hers.

We ran wild, slamming screen doors
she carried stacks of books to the back bedroom
Warm Cans of Tab soda, cups of Ice, box of Aydes dietary candies,
the door locked,
lights dimmed
she crawled into the rumpled mess of bedding
my hyperbolic memory holds her there all day,
every day.

Everything she did outside of the bed was for someone else.
The cooking, the cleaning, the planning of events,
all for the church, the ailing neighbor, the friend's daughter's wedding,
Ironing his shirts, keeping his girls quiet, cooking his meals, washing his dishes.
following behind him, picking up scraps,
waiting,
waiting,
waiting.

my sisters and I swore we would never do the same.
We laugh at our broken promises between loads of laundry,
trips up the mountain
rolling our stones.

My Secret Garden

I want to start over from scratch;
chuck it all.
I want to clear out the overgrowth,
cut back what died,
turn the soil,
plant some seed,
make a new life.

It is greener on the other side,
the view is spectacular.
I've met people who are true and warm,
the soil there is rich; kindness and beauty reign.

There is a beautiful man,
but to burden him with expectation
is like pinning down a butterfly for display in a glass box.
Instead, as long as I'm welcome, I hope he'll let me hang out in the garden with him.

Driving home from the Airport

This wide open sky can swallow me whole;
every road leads to more road.

One thousand miles away,
three thousand feet below
diving bells,
train rails
suitcases
passports.

desire wants
wants wish
wishes hope
hopes wrestle what is now.

Now is this,
This misses that.

Lu gets a Valentine

I told him I was fretting about what to pack...

"Bring something for a party, something snuggly warm, and something that you can make snow angels in."

He's my snuggly warm thing.

I'm off to the mountains to see about a man.

Happiness is a hot commodity.
I think nearly every purchase is about scratching some itch or putting salve on a sore spot.

Some people are fortunate, life works out, it's easy.
Some not so fortunate, some struggle.

Does it matter so much how this happens?
Is it in how we are raised to deal with life?
Is it in our genes;

nature,
nurture,

Money,
good looks,
talent?

God?

Who chooses hardship?
Who chooses anxiety;
abuse,
mental illness,
cancer?

The only sure thing is that kindness feels better than judgement.

Empathy outlasts dismissal,

and happiness is fragile, and fickle and no matter how much we might try to buy it,
to wring it out of dry towels,
it happens when it happens
and it ducks out and exits just as fast.

Tomorrow I get some time off.


This week I've been working long hours and I'm dog tired.

I understand why people give up.

...I won't, but I get it.

Coolsville

Because he thinks I might be cool, and as true to my nature I must squash any complementary complements, I'm following up on Ugly Scott's Tag.

Random Sextet:

1. Tonal inversion; Or Have I Become a Negative Image of my Former Self.
I have large birthmark on the outside of my upper thigh that was once markedly darker than the surrounding skin. Inexplicably, the birthmark is now lighter and the skin surrounding it darker.

2. When I was about ten years old my neighborhood girlfriends and I formed a “Stealing Club.” We rode our bikes to the local strip mall and pilfered pockets full of lemon heads candy and light blue fingernail polish. We wore matching homemade handkerchief halter tops. As the youngest and heaviest in the group, I was always the mule; carried most of the loot and would follow through on any dare. I was much more afraid of being rejected by my girls than the law.

3. I think people are thinking about me or noticing and judging details about me far more than can actually be true. This is not to say that I think people see me and say, “Wow, look at her, she is really something swell….” Nope, I’m thinking that they are noticing all of my imperfections, the acne scars, the laugh lines, and the wear of age on my hands…

4. I want to run away from home. Seriously. I want to pack up the boys and move to a small cabin in the woods somewhere far away from here.

5. I was a sexual prude for most of my married life. I did not like sex. It felt like a lonely act, about giving him what he wanted, which wasn’t much. I hid my face most of the time, felt shame about my body, and hated the idea of anything oral. Toward the end of my marriage we were more attentive to one another and sex was better. I was becoming more physically fit, and I think he was practicing …

6. I want everything now. I feel selfish. I want sex; all of it. I want to be lavished with affection, I want recognition, tokens of esteem, long deep conversations, to touch and be touched, to teach and be taught, to be worth extreme effort and to exert extreme efforts, to love and be loved. I want to consume and be consumed by the emotion and all that comes with animal attraction.

~There it is, forgive me if I've been redundant.

Now I've got to tag five of you...
here are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.


Justin-- Visit his etsy shop and buy your valentine one of his beautiful prints.

Nita June She's sweetness and deep and She's Justin's girl and He's her guy and they make me smile and hope.

Quell she's a super earth hero, a doer and she loves someone of whom I'm very fond.

Colin Who are you? Are you up to a double dare? The Tag and a Single Mother Super Hero sketch? Show me of what metal you're made.

Dr. Biology It's time to post again my friend...Keeps you honest.

Last, but never least James
He's a rolling stone; rocking worlds. Show off a little.