I don't handle impermanence in relationships. In my head when a relationship falters it becomes abandonment and betrayal on an epic scale. I become a shipwreck and The slightest gesture of affection becomes a life raft that I hang onto regardless of fact that it's also buoys the chum that brings the sharks that swim round my brain move in for the kill.

A few weeks ago I was practicing my exit speech, thinking I need to get out, let him out and on with his life. In every way we are oil and water, But then I would be alone again and in the process of dating him I alienated the few acquaintances I've known, the few friendship I'd built. I saved every weekend to be on call for him. It felt natural and easy. He spent our evenings telling me how I should have done this, should do that, how he wouldn't date me if this, that or the other... I didn't bolt. It was comfortable, warm and cozy. I can't count the times he dropped me off in front of my house after a tirade that left me silent and in tears. Always about how it's been three years, I should have put a stop to the madness of the ex, of my son who's taken sides. I let a man tell me how many ways I am wrong. It was easy to curl up into it.

This man who as little education, little money, little tolerance...
This man who has goodness buried deep and locked away.

He yelled when my life and all it's drama interfered with our drinking and dining, I sat stone still & silent. I knew if I fought back might very well get the back of his hand. He made that clear. More than once I let myself into the house trembling at the lock, falling inside and wailing in a crumple ball of nerves.

The only time I spoke out was in drunken text. I hammered away not once, but thrice spitting out one hundred and sixty characters at a time- over and over and over again.

The one time he called to break my spell I begged him to come follow through on his promise. Take me out.

I meant it,

I wanted out.

I know I should be grateful that he is more sane than I-that he is finally truly done over and out...

I would take him back if he would have me.

He is a thousand times more dangerous than what I have known

And I would take him back as not to be alone.

How the hell did I become this person?