Daily Bread

Once upon a time I followed a blog written by the mother of a troubled son. It was maddening to read how the son kept making awful decisions. She had a daughter who done did her proud. It was painful to read, sometimes I caught myself feeling some how immune to the possibility of this kind of life. I never felt I was a better parent, but that my children were superior.

One of the pits that I've fallen so deeply into in this spiral has been that slimy walled pit o' despair. I'm ashamed at how often I catch myself saying or thinking, "what could I have possibly done to deserve this penitence?"

This is where I am.

My son is deeply hurt by his impression that I have betrayed him. My behaviors with him have been irrational and out of control at times. The root of the problem is that while his father is failing- to work, to pay support, to pay his bills, I am surviving. I pay my bills, arrange for all the requisite appointments and care taking etc. I'm not living up to his expectations in how I live my life.
His outlandish and horrible behaviors has brought out the outlandish and horrible in me. I've called him an ass hole, when he told me with pride how he called a carnival worker a douche bag when he accidentally spilled soda on him, I told him it sounded like he was the douche bag for being so unforgiving and showing off in front of his friends. I've used even used the dreadful but o so satisfying f word. Worst of all I slapped him and made his lip bleed, I've wrestled him to the ground to pry a phone out of his hands. I've been such an immature parent I'm hardly able to keep from reporting myself to the bad parent police.

When I talk with friends and family about it they are sympathetic, relay similar stories, tell me it's not my fault...

It's nice, a kind gesture, but the agony of having your child reject you and to witness them headed down a path that will only lead to misery is beyond description. I can't bear to think of how it would feel to live in a war torn country where your children are in harms way every moment of every day. How do people walk through the days after losing a child? I think of the strength of Scott and Wife, I think of you two and feel foolish to be so maudlin while you rise with wry witness to the things that make us smile crooked smiles. I am awed by the strength of so many who face more serious woes.


I hang on to the love and support I receive from my family and friends.
I lose myself in some of it.

I wish I could wrap myself round the world, all of you, all of my friends and foes, and love the pain away.

So I'm going running, so I can clear my head, then I'll come home and work my garden, make my basket for my bike...