"we can endure a lot of pain and pleasure for the sake of finding out who we are and what this world is, how we tick and how our world ticks, how the whole thing just is."

I'm ready for the pleasure part. I've had a taste, and I like that kind of learning better.

So, kick my ass when I start whining again, oh, and I will, you should see what I've started and deleted. I'm such a sad sap. But the good news is, I've reached the rock bottom, the final frontier of fatalism so, no where to go...

Let me show you how dedicated I am to this idea. Here is a list of all the positives of yesterday:

E is off on a school DECCA trip where he gets to play business man. He is in his element and his cousin is on the same trip and she sends me pictures of him being sweet and happy. He called me last night, clearly missing me.

I've been having some great one on one time with A. We went out for breakfast then shopping where I bought him a yo gabba gabba T-shirt that made him crazy happy. We went to visit Grammy and PaPa where he ate Apple Pie and Ice Cream, after which I wisked him off for a hair cut that he proudly declared makes him look like one of the Beatles. I was able to convince him to get outside and away from all things with screens and ride his bike around the neighborhood. When he came home we made peanut butter brownies. He even showed me his play list that includes everything from The Beatles, Flogging Molly, Devotchka, Beasty Boys, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Johnny Cash... We ate Guacamole and chips, shared a chicken burrito bowl and watched the Science of Sleep. We even worked on his homework. A is a very cool kid, very laid back. His brother is equally cool, much less laid back.

I've been enjoying the attention of long time book store customer who finds me "a bright spot." I don't know what his intentions are, I'm not going to even go there- he's much a much older, highly respected surgeon and he's funny as hell. It's rare to find people who are not steeped in Midwestern muck and in an effort to make major changes and remove bad mojo I've become rather isolated of late. It seems silly to mention, but when you're staring out from the bottom of a well, anything positive is everything.

I'm thinking more and more of getting out of this town. I've no idea where, but I know I can.

I learned that I try to hold on too tightly and it's another opportunity for change. I'm working on letting lose without letting it all go. Being aware of the trait is not enough. I think I've identified the problem, I think I've allowed myself to be programed with a fear of falling out of favor, so I grab on a bit too tightly. I don't need to do that. If someone wants me they know were to find me, if not, that's ok, alone doesn't hurt. I'm lucky to know the people I know, and though it's hard to say, and even harder to believe all the time, people are lucky to know me. So if i like people however the relationship can exist is ok. Every relationship will not be absolutely this or absolutely that. There is peace in letting things alone.

ok, so this is not a good read, nothing but me blowing hard into one of those skinny long balloons.

wow, my cheeks hurt.

no, really, my cheeks feel like I've been doing just that.