I keep editing myself. Posting, deleting, Posting, deleting. This tells me I've made this space something I never intended, least I've not allowed myself to admit it to myself. It seems now I want a response, and if I don't get a response, I edit myself.

Talking to self-- fuck that, this is where you figure things out, you write it out, your talk circles around it until you can finally see what it is your dealing with.

The posts I've deleted deal with issues that need a work out.

I crave attention, flattery, some sign, some something that makes me feel OK. I'm always on the defensive, certain that I'm the last person on any one's mind in any positive light.

I posted and deleted something that was about what I'm rehashing now, Sorry Jonas, the whole conversation is a jumble now, I'm just writing the gist of the memory now, you can just skip to the end.

My Mother called yesterday, her voice full of concern, she rattled off a list of the things that should have me knocked flat and a mess;

"Honey, are you alright? I was afraid that this would happen...do you think he'll try to come again?"


"I heard the Dr. is still contacting you. What do you think is wrong with him...?

"what about the man from the other night, the one who took your number...don't be too judgemental, just because he uses double negatives...didn't you say he goes to church...?"

"I talked to your aunt about this, she told me it would be tough when M (the ex) starts seeing someone. You know he's going to present himself as an innocent victim in your divorce...isn't she a good friend of your circle of friends? I hope she doesn't try to turn them to his side..."

"how many classes are the boys flunking?"

"I'm so sorry honey, I just wish there was something I could do...I think that sometimes the strongest people are given the hardest lives to live. I always thought you would be the one daughter who would be strong enough to live the life she wants, I still believe that , you just have to get over all the awfulness."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So this weekend I'm snowed in, Plans disrupted, expectations did what they are supposed to do; disappoint.

I'm living in the moment.
I lived in the moment yesterday
the day before
and right now.

my moments haven't been so great.
so, I"m going to live for the next moment.
when I walk out the door, go snow blind and drive my ass to the gym.
Then I'm going to get myself a nice cup of coffee.
I might call the Dr. see if he wants to meet me, or
maybe the guy from the bar.

Most likely I'll go through the drive through to avoid the Barista who said,
"wow, those mousy guys are always into you." after a mousy guy asked me where he might find a decent meal.

Yes, my moments are priceless.

(I'm in awe of this title was taken for a book that's going to be released by Cheryl Wagner next month---Plenty Enough Suck to Go Around)