Weeds

Nothing is easier.

The boys are struggling. They were/are smoking pot. E took his bonds from a lock box and cashed them in at a speedy cash for less than face value. He says he spent it on clothes, but I think it was drugs. Drugs and clothes.  Swag.  He walks like a duck talks like a duck, he is a duck. and i can't do a fucking thing about it.

But, I try and it gets worse.

Their father is mute; plays good cop to my bad cop and we all know that only works on cop shows.

I keep trying, and trying and trying and they keep making bad decisions. E lives with his father, runs there when I set boundaries, which means he runs as soon as he comes through the door. His father lets him do this. His father encourages this as it keeps him from feeling badly about withholding his support payments for so many years. His father gives him an airbed to sleep on, and feeds him dinner. That is it.

A sits in front of a computer screen all day. Of course I do everything in my power to keep him from it. It is exhausting. Everything is exhausting. I can't even begin to write the gruesome and entertaining details.

I feel victimized much of the time and then I feel worse because I'm such a weak pussy for allowing this.  I want to control my reaction, I want to let go of expectation and hope, and blame, and hurt.....

And yet, There is love.

Never perfect, but it is goodness and it makes me feel guilty.

How dare I have this love, how dare I leave the battle and the banging of my head against the wall to experience love and affection, respect and admiration.
How dare I love someone who lives in and exotic location where I feel so connected and so powerful and good.
How dare I travel to care for him when he is hurt when my children are home being lazy and possibly smoking pot, and certainly feeling that I have abandoned them. ...
etc,etc,etc

I teeter on the edge of total utter despair and ecstasy everyday.

He was here in the land of oz, traveling over 2000 miles to spend a long weekend with me and my family. He loves me, and I love him.

How will I last until mid-October when I get to play hooky and fly the 2000 miles back into his arms where nothing is perfect, but everything is kind, and real.

Blissed

The lifespan of chaos, confusion and sorrow is like the lifespan of all things.

It is a beautiful thing to burn up in the sun, drop seed and to slowly unfurl one leaf, one petal at a time.

My life has become just that, a life.

Happy in self, happy in love, happy in uncertainty, happy in the midst of conflict.

It's inevitable,

all of it

and it is light and sweet and shines bright as the sun.

Dance class taught me that finding balance is all about feeling where one is centered and steady then imagining an imaginary cord that runs the length of that center; through the core and out the top of the head where it is held steady by the great beyond.

As a child the gymnastics coach advised us to squeeze our bottoms, to tighten the core to maintain that center.
The key was to in being able to sense the center, to understand where it weakened and to strengthen the core that surrounds it.

I had such difficulty feeling these things, I wanted to know where my center was, instead of trusting myself to feel it, I wanted someone to tell me what to tighten, where the string was tethered and exactly how to hold myself in order to maintain my balance.
I watched others balance themselves, tried to emulate and wobbled around barely holding my ground much of the time.

Summer allows wobble time that allows me to feel my base. It's rooted deeply in the knowledge that I am trustworthy and true to my instincts even when I worry I've strayed or that I'm off base, I bounce back on the power of my unique and capable balast.

Guilt, self doubt, shame and regret are dead weight and I've learned that with persistence and placing my energy in doing rather than thinking is the only way to shed unattractive and unhealthy burdens.

I am centered in my ability to love and my willingness to be loved.

I am centered in my willingness to let go of blame and regret and to embrace the opportunities instead of the lost causes.

I am centered in ability to be true and honest and to accept what may come as a result.

I am centered in my belief that there is only peace in embracing ambiguity and abandoning expectation.

Beyond the mantra I am trying to follow my own advice to show and not tell.

I'm headed to the Island in a couple of days. The boys will meet me there in a couple of weeks.

I am not going to plant seeds for the future, or to erase any hard won lessons of the past.

I am going to be in the moments that unfold, to remain open to opportunities to stengthen my core and to help my boys find their own center.

I am going to love and be loved
as is.

Men

I'm going to meet my Island Boy in "Hotlanta" soon. Because of the distance and our respective responsibilities, we share an understanding that it is not fair to ask for exclusivity from one another. While my brain understands this concept, my heart is at odds and my conscience clouded. I don't know how to be a grown up in the uncommitted relationships I've been experiencing.

I crave the touch and the attentions of men. This is human, right?

Because I try to embrace ambiguity and reject any one moral code for such things, I find myself very confused. A bit worried about the implications for my current state of affairs. So much for embracing ambiguity.

Is it natural, is it "OK" to have more than one uncommitted lover? Is it a betrayal of their affection? Is it a betrayal of my emotional well being? Is the fact that I'm confused because I never dated as a young adult? Is it a product of my low self esteem?

Is it selfish of me to spend a couple of months away from my children to be with a man with whom I have an ambiguous relationship?

Over the last four years my romantic life has been complicated by my Ex-husband's sabotage and the effect that his manipulative behavior has on myself and my boys. For years since the divorce I've harbored guilt and fear while dating and exploring men. I felt a need to hide dates, make up excuses for travel and lie to avoid being punished, traumatizing my sons, or bringing on humiliating drama. I realize I am the victim of my own willingness to be victimized.

In spite of all the head games my desires trump my fears.

Three lovers. Three men with whom I respect and desire for very different reasons. Two men with whom I do not entertain any projection into the future. One with whom I'm hopeful for something... but what?

I met a man not to long ago for whom I would have ended any time spent with the others. The timing was all wrong. He is a grieving Widower; his wounds so fresh, my instincts shut him out before the thrill of possibility could dim, before I proved a disappointment, maybe before I would lose myself to his wants and needs.

I will be meeting my island boy and his family, my boys will meet him this summer.

So, what am I doing? Is this normal dating ritual of adult humans?

Decisions, decisions, decisions...

Spend the summer in St. Thomas Virgin Island with a sexy, sweet man with whom I'm smitten and after 5 expensive short stints together we want to see how we fare for long term. I would go to the island for a month without my boys while they attend summer school to make up for failed classes. When they finish they would fly and join me for the second month.

They would stay with their Father while I am gone.

WWYD?

It's very difficult keeping the boys in my lower level English Class on task. I'm not much of a gamer and Literature and Writing don't lend themselves to a wide choice of physical hands on activities. I started class playing an online interactive game, but the boys all put their heads down until I pulled out the nerf ball and told them they could only answer the questions if they could make the shot into the trash bucket (over which I have a nerf hoop). They were all over it at that point. But.. this can't be done every day.

I'm having the same struggles with my boys, A and E and as you know it has me chasing my tail to exhaustion.

When I got home last night E was in the shower. I thought it was a bit strange for him, but didn't really think much about it.

I planned to make him a special pizza, one that he'd seen on food network program and commented that it looked "hella tasty." No sooner had I started cooking before he started complaining about how hungry he was and that the Pizza better be good, and "don't put bbq sauce on it, gross..." I've been trying to make all this awful boy friendly food even sending some to them when they are at their dads so they have some homemade food, but E always has a complaint. His grandmother, the ex's mom, cooks with bacon grease and breads everything- or his dad takes him out to high end fast food places. How is a mom to compete with fast food and bacon?

I noticed that E was sunburned, and again, I didn't think much about it...I was hopeful that he had gone for a bike ride with his dad. We spent some time with small talk and banter before things went sour. I asked him why he wasn't at the after-school program that he is supposed to attend on Wednesdays and somehow that segwayed into his need to take the more expensive drivers ed course and that he I have failed him in failing to purchase a car for him. ("all of my friend's parents bought them cars...")

You know where it went from there. I let him push all the wrong buttons until he loosed a gasket and then I lost it. Of course, he was clear about his desire to be at his fathers...

Then the accidental confession that he skipped school that day to attend the senior skip day.

I find myself telling him to go ahead and live with his father if that is where he will succeed, I threatened to pull financial support and told him I'm happy to let him work it out with his Dad. He fires back with the "you don't do anything for me...I have a job and I support myself..." He does buy a lot of his own clothes. His grandmother gives him money every week as well. He doesn't understand the cost of the ADHD meds, the braces, the acne meds, the food, the enrollment, the water bill for the epic showers and laundry load, the internet connection, the mortgage, gas to drive him to work, the dental bill, the contact lens'...under wear, socks, t-shirts shoes....

His father does put a roof over his head and feeds him every other weekend and on Monday and Tuesday nights- That I will grant him, but he doesn't pay for anything beyond this. The boy pays for the greater part his father's cell phone bill.

I have a mean streak when pushed to my limit and the grown up who knows better yells and says mean things. In the past I have slapped the boy, and of course that was used by my ex as a way justify whatever it is he needs to justify.

I've felt terrible guilt about this kind of loss of control. That said, I know that while it is not appropriate, it was not at the level of any heavy consequential child abuse.

It is all rinse wash and repeat. I don't know how to best handle this. Any time I assert authority, he rebels. He literally tells me he will do what he wants and then does it. I can't physically stop him from walking out the door, and there is no consequence I can enforce. I feel like I've no choice but to send him to his father's....but once there he will flounder further with no rules, no consequences, and no expectations unless my son's behavior inconvenience his father.

It's a catch 22 and I'm left stunned and bruised every time.

The Boy is currently failing all of his core classes. In addition he has two core classes he must make up from last year. He doesn't understand that as a Junior, this means he will likely fail to graduate with his classmates. He has run out of time.

And yet, if you ask him he plans to get his bachelors at a small, less expensive university and then get an MFA in International Finance at some Higher level institution.

How do you make the connection to one who is so disconnected from his own reality.

I was never a great student, I can empathize with procrastination and dragging the feet, but I knew to play the game I knew how to get by.

I see this attitude in students from time to time, and it is a hopeless feeling when you can't reach a child and help them to see reality with clear vision.

Having my own child in this position has me feeling so very desperate. My one hope it that he will learn all these hard lessons as a teen and be spared from this behavior as an adult.